The Groundhog's Lament

This coming Monday is Groundhog Day and I’m thinking, shadow or not, we’re in for a lot more winter. That’s good for snow-removal businesses or ski hills, but not so good for Mr. Gore and his entourage of crack sciencefictionists. Someday soon the people of this world are going to figure out that weather changes are normal and using those new-fangled curly lightbulbs won’t keep the icecaps from dripping.

Groundhog day is a favorite holiday of mine. Mostly because government employees don’t get the day off. Government employees tend to gripe about their jobs and their pay more than the average American, and yet they have more paid holidays, more benefits, and manage to work a lot less even when they’re on the clock.

It’s not surprising to hear recent news stories of Postal workers stuffing mail in storage lockers or dumpsters just so they don’t have to deliver it. I’m sure the thought of performing their job to the best of their ability must stress them out. The ones that actually do deliver quickly and efficiently park their trucks somewhere inconspicuous and hide for the rest of the day. They wouldn’t want their delivery route lengthened so they actually have to work the whole eight hours they’re getting paid for. It’s a conundrum. If you work hard, you get more work. If you’re lazy, you don’t. Postal workers don't get fired. They get bigger attitudes. 

I know you're probably saying, like my husband always reminds me, that the United States Postal Service is not actually an entity of the Federal government. Really? Then why the name? Why do they get all the same benefits? Why is it a federal offense to tamper with the US mail? Why does it never make money but always runs in the red and has to raise the price of stamps yearly? Why are they contemplating cutting mail delivery days instead of canning deadweight employees? Sounds like government to me.

Then there's the Internal Revenue Service. If they actually hired competent people, anger wouldn't course through the veins of accountants all over the country when they have to call and ask a question. When the IRS doesn't know something they blame-shift, and when you press them for an answer they put you on hold and take a coffee break. They might come back on line and they might not. 

And last, but certainly not least in the gimme socialist state of D.C. are our own special representatives and senators who know how to spend like there’s no tomorrow. They give themselves raises even while telling their constituents that they "feel their pain" in this economy slump.

The Big O gave himself and his cohorts a grand old party with martinis and $100 a serving steaks after getting the “stimulus package” passed through the House of Reps. The next day he reprimanded those evil CEO’s on Wall Street who gave themselves bonuses while Americans suffered. Then he sauntered off to his two-hour exercise routine to contemplate what he would have at his next celebration when the Senate cow-towed to his wishes. But he is the king after all, so  “let us eat cake!”

There are some holidays government employees have no business getting paid for.  Labor Day is one of them. It’s ironic they feel they deserve such a day. Here is a quote from the president of the American Foundation of Labor: “Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity and well-being of our country.”

Has any government employee contributed to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country? 

We have more people employed in government than in manufacturing and construction combined. Now Obama wants to “create” more government jobs for people who think getting paid to do as little as possible is the American dream. People who care more about themselves than the people they serve. It’s the Big O’s way of “redistributing the wealth” and turning our country completely into a socialist state.

Groundhog day is actually a special holiday for those of us not employed by the government. When we stick our necks out of the hole we’ve been pushed into, if the enormous shadow of government falls upon us, it means another thousand years of winter. Oh for that Global Warming to take effect. 

p.s. My sincerest apology and sympathy if you are a government worker who actually takes pride in your job and cares about the people you serve. I'm sure there are one or two of you out there and it must be hard working with bloodsuckers all day. 

Winners & Losers

Once upon a time there was a clear distinction between winners and losers. The winners went home with a trophy, money, movie deal, or whatever they were playing for. The losers went home dejected and empty-handed.

In sports, the winning coach gets a raise or an offer for a better job. The losing coach gets bad publicity and oftentimes replaced.

On American Idol the winner gets to make an album and tour the country. The losers make albums and tour the country. I don’t get that. But the worst infraction of the rules of winners and losers comes in the form of one young man named, Sanjaya.

Not only is this boy-man still getting face time on the morning news, but he had the “audacity” to write a memoir, as though he’s actually lived a life. What is he? Nineteen?

Sanjaya isn’t a very good singer. But he’s very good at drama. He wept often during the weeks he was on the American Idol show. When that didn’t move Simon, he started arranging his hair in crazy Mohawks and girly curls. As his lack of true talent became more and more obvious, he became more and more outrageous. Apparently, millions of ten and eleven-year-old girls were calling in to vote for him, but eventually, (thankfully), he was axed.

I find it hard to believe he had enough life story or even words to fill a book. Perhaps it’s a picture book memoir, or one of those flip books where the character inside looks as though they are changing and moving, but really aren’t.

Sanjaya--still strange but with a new hairdo, was making the news circuit this morning to publicize this book of his and inform everyone that he is working on an album.

Why am I still surprised when publishers print this drivel?

 They’ve snatched up so many memoirs in the past couple of years that later turned out to be complete fabrications. At least this time they should know what’s true and what’s not. Millions of viewers watched Sanjaya for weeks on end make a fool of himself. Besides, the litmus test for a true memoir is if Oprah does not promote it for her booklist. Apparently, she passed on this one. She’s probably still engrossed in that memoir of the girl who survived a Nazi prisoner camp by hiding in the woods and living with wolves. I can see where she might be fooled. After all, Tarzan was raised by wolves.

Publishers usually want to know an author has a platform and an audience before taking on a project. Sanjaya seems to have a platform. Just the fact that he was a contestant on American Idol gets him booked on Good Morning America. But does he have an audience anymore? Those ten and eleven-year-old girls are now twelve or thirteen. Will this skinny, off-key man-child still hold the same appeal as he did two years ago? Or have they crushed on a manlier type like Robert Pattinson (star of the vampire movie Twilight)?

I don't know about you, but I will be watching the New York Times best seller list with bated breath. 

The Opposite of Wisdom

There is so little worry these days about offending the God of this Universe. Even many of those who profess to believe in a deity, refuse to let the notion influence their daily lives. The “fear of the Lord,” (knowledge that he exists, is all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, could smash us all like insects if He weren’t so merciful), has been replaced with a generic belief in “something bigger than ourselves,” but apparently not big enough to matter much, or just “God is love, spread it around,” like sixties beatnik rhetoric.

The Bible states in Psalms 14:1, The fool says in his heart, "There is no God.”

In Great Britain there are some very foolish people.  A group of atheists decided to emblazon their message of hopelessness on the sides of buses. They set up a pledgebank for donations and apparently got enough unbelievers to chip in for messages on up to 800 buses.

Their superior slogan is, “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

Even given that Great Britain has nearly eradicated all religious tendencies from it’s population, you would think there would still be plenty of Christians around to be offended by such a campaign. Only 200 voiced complaints. 

The organization plans to spread their message around the world. They’ve already put the slogan, “The bad news is that God does not exist. The good news is that we do not need him,” on buses in Italy and Spain.

The atheists in our country were busy before the inauguration, trying to make sure no one mentioned God or prayed to a higher power during the ceremony. Thankfully, their petitions were thrown out of court this time. But what about next time? What about when the buses come here? Will anyone notice, or care enough to lodge a complaint? Will children grow up reading on billboards that God is just an imaginary character like that jolly elf that delivers presents on Christmas day?

Proverbs 9:10 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”

No Fear has been a brand name slogan for the last few years. Extreme sports fanatics wear t-shirts, caps, etc, promoting the notion that they aren’t afraid of anything. I say they don’t use much wisdom or common sense. They break bones, pull muscles, sometimes get killed, all for the thrill of the ride.

It’s one thing to be fearless in your extracurricular activities, whether it’s mountain climbing, bungee jumping, or motocross, but lacking fear of God is not just death-defying—it’s damning, for eternity.

Whether you believe or not doesn’t make God less than what he is—AWESOME & HOLY  

The Culmination of Our Discontent

Yesterday's Coronation, I mean Inauguration, was very "entertaining." The prayers alone were worthy of Oscar Nominations. But the poem, written and read by Yale professor Elizabeth Alexander, "Praise Song for the Day," was almost more liberal, literary clap-trap than I could keep down. The "love that casts a widening pool of light" apparently fell on the capital yesterday while crowds gathered and jostled to get a better look at the incoming president who would bring the change they desired: free school, free housing, free food, free love. Meanwhile, across the country, plain fluorescent bulbs lit the offices and businesses of regular people striving to make a living the old fashioned way, hard work and perseverance.

In honor of the new regime and just to let you all know that I too am literary, I have written a poem, not unlike Ms. Alexander's in that it strives to really capture this historical moment with poignancy and clarity.

Mud, sand, rock, grass

Earth’s resources up in gas

Obama’s plan to save us all

The girl eating pancakes

The boy with the ball

Man, woman, child, cat

Soupy Sales with a funny hat

Birds flap, beavers gnaw

The rainforest stands sadly

In the glacier thaw

Happiness, love, pickled pig feet

Prejudice is time consuming

And hard to beat

Winter, spring, summer, fall

Moonbeams blind the eyes of all

Hope has come

Change supreme

When democrats reign like Judge Roy Bean 

Spare Change

Today was a day of change. A new president was sworn in to lead our country forward for at least the next four years. He made a very moving speech that brought tears to the eyes of many in the crowd. He spoke of bringing peace and prosperity back, of everyone coming together for the good of all. That love would conquer fear and hate, prejudice and disagreements. Toward the end of President Obama’s speech when they kept flashing to different places around the world where people were listening in, I thought for sure the crowd on the Mall would break out into, “We are the world, we are the children…” but thankfully Michael Jackson did not show up and the crowd remained respectfully attentive. The President ended his speech with a quote from George Washington and encouragement to carry forth the gift of freedom and deliver it safely to future generations. 

The 44^th president of the United States of America has now officially begun his term. President Barack H. Obama is a likeable man, a good public speaker, and apparently a loving husband and father. In other words, he seems perfect for the job. His persona is made for television. His smile is contagious, his bearing cool, calm and totally in control.

As the new president he certainly has his work cut out for him. Even without the war, the failed economy, and the uncertainty of our times, a sitting president is besieged with decisions and problems that would overcome a lesser man. The stress of the job tends to prematurely age those that sit in the Oval Office and wield the pen of power.

President Obama is now confronted with a huge endeavor. Not only are millions of American citizens expecting their lives to be miraculously transformed overnight, their mortgages to be paid, their jobs to be reinstated, their children to get A’s in school, but the world now thinks everything will be better for them as well. Obama has reached out to every country, village and Mosque with the promise of food, water, and education. Let’s hope they don’t all put their hands out at the same time.

I certainly agree with much of what he said. He reminded us of the values of which our success as a country depends: hard work, honesty, courage, fair play, tolerance, curiosity, loyalty, and patriotism. Let’s hope congress was listening and takes a few of those to heart.

This is a new day, a fresh start. I did not vote for this man, but I respect the position he is now in and plan to pray that he will seek God’s wisdom as he strives to make the best decisions he can for the people of our nation.

Congratulations President Obama! May God Bless you and the country that you serve. 

The Problem With Second-Hand Smoke & Other Anomalies

As you will soon discover, the title of my blog today has absolutely nothing to do with content. I just thought it was a catchy title.

When I heard that a homosexual Bishop would be praying at the Presidential Inauguration, to no doubt divert attention from the prayer of a certain denigrated evangelical preacher, I was profoundly relieved. Especially after hearing that Bishop Robinson would not give a “Christian prayer or quote scripture or anything like that,” but would pray to the “God of our many understandings.”

What a relief! We wouldn’t want a Christian to stand up and pray to the God he believes in. It could offend someone who only believes in fairies in firelight or the little god within us all that makes good things happen with the power of positive thinking.

I positively think this Bishop is an idiot. I think I do. I think I do. I do. Yep, he’s an idiot!

Apparently, the man (if we may call him that) learned about the “God of our many understandings” when he was in rehab for alcoholism. When you’re drunk as a skunk you probably do have a few strange understandings about God. You may even see more than one entity surrounding you, poking you with red-hot pokers. Oh yeah, that’s the devil and his minions. Whatever is your understanding.

So Obama has an Evangelical, a homosexual, and lastly, but certainly not least importantly, the first woman president of the Islamic Society of North America ( with known ties to Hamas, no less) set to pray at his inauguration ceremony. Our new president is nothing if not diverse.

It’s a good thing his party committee is raising lots of money for the day cause there will definitely be dancing in the streets. The D.C. police chief has already complained that she will have to hire thousands of extra officers from around the country just to handle the crowds. And we all know how badly those “Hamas loving, Gay Pride parades” can get out of hand. Burkas and beads will be flying!

Ironically, President-Elect Obama recently released a personal letter for his daughters to “Parade magazine.” He and his anonymous speech writer wanted everyone in America to see what a kind, loving, hopeful father he really is. There just hasn’t been enough good things said about him in the past year. People can be so negative.

I like what he said about the children of our country: I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential-schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them.  

But what if some children are dumber than rocks and have no potential? What if they really don’t wonder about stuff, except maybe when American Idol is coming to town so they can go stand in line and make a fool of themselves? Is he going to set up special schools for them? One that teaches simple things like how to count back change, how to speak the English language like a native, how to say please and thank you and respect authority? How to set an alarm clock so they can get to work on time, whether it’s their dream job or just one that pays the rent?

Sure there are children who want to excel, but there are plenty who don’t - and won’t. No matter how much challenging, inspiring, and instilling we pay for, they will still flunk P.E. and go home to watch America’s Top Model with a plate of pizza rolls and a 2 liter of coke in hand.

Being so diverse in his prayer partner choices, maybe he should think a lot harder about school choices. Children, after all, are as diversely different as they come.

When the parties commence after the big swearing-in ceremony, it’s good Barack Hussein Obama is spending a record 150 million dollars to make sure everyone has a good time and the party favors are not less than they should be for such a momentous occasion. Since President Bush wasted a measly 50 million at his celebration four years ago, and nobody liked him anyway, I would say spending 3-4 times as much is a good move, even if the economy sucks and we're still at war. Everyone knows that if something doesn’t work right the first time, you throw more money at it. Like those schools full of kids with “potential.”

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Employment

In these hard economic times, many of you are wondering: Where am I going to find a new job? (or) Where are my deadbeat kids going to find a job when they finally quit changing majors and finish college? Times are tough. Businesses are closing. Bankruptcies are filing. Loans are near impossible to get.

You’ve come to the right place. I have good news! There are still positions out there; jobs that are as timeless as Dolly Parten’s wig collection.

Of course, you may have to go back to school and rack up a few thousand dollars of debt, but in the long run you’ll be set for life. Hopefully.

1. Public Relations:

If you are good at making bad situations sound much better than they are, pulling the wool over eyes, and stuffing cotton in ears, you may be a good candidate for working in public relations. Right now the field is wide open. Job opportunities are abundant as mergers fail and sales are way down, layoffs are imminent if not downright happening, companies need the go-to guy or gal to make their thorny path appear petal soft. A series of unfortunate events can become a temporary setback in the world of public relations. Are you up for it?

2. Auditors:

Well of course we need auditors. One company after another is crawling to the senate floor asking for a handout. What happened to all the money they had just months ago? Did an evil gremlin sneak in when they flew on their private jet to Tahiti to play a round of golf before dinner in Paris, and steal all the money they hoarded in their sock drawer? Good with numbers? Be an auditor!

3. System Administrators:

Keeping all the computer systems up and running around the country is a very big job. Especially since all these computers have taken over most of the jobs humans once did. Someone has to be able to maintain that infrastructure or the whole system falls apart. Or-- computers will eventually take over and humans will be turned into battery juice to power the system. Please train for this job!

4. Software Designers/Programmers:

And where would we be without these guys? Our children have grown up with a cell phone pressed to their little heads, a computer monitor reflecting the pupils of their eyes, and noise-reducing buds permanently embedded in their ear canals. Without designers and programmers to keep up with the demand for more cool gadgets, this generation will have to revert to the dark ages. Can you imagine their confusion if they had to find a pay phone and put money in it? Or what if they have to go to the library and read a book instead of looking it up on the Internet? Do they even know what a library is? So to save our children the grief of letting their fingers do the walking or carrying one of those huge boom boxes on their shoulders, you could be a programmer and perhaps invent a gadget to plug right into their little brains so they no longer have to think.

5. Counselors:

Lastly, but most importantly is the career path of the counselor. In these depressing times when jobs are lost and won in a computer game of Hangman, many are wondering why me? Why did they let me go instead of that idiot with the bird-shaped head that speaks in Klingon? Self-esteem is at an all time low, mental health is iffy. Men especially seem to find their self-worth in what they do rather than in who they are. As a counselor you can help these downtrodden jobless masses, individuals who’ve lost everything in the Bush Era Pre-Depression. You can bolster their confidence by helping them see that sometimes bad things happen to good people and it isn’t their fault. Certainly not.  After they bought that three hundred thousand dollar cabin up north to use on weekends in June, July and August, they did keep a few hundred dollars of credit line open on their Master card in case of emergency. Like when their TV went out and they had to buy a flatscreen. That could have ended rather badly if game day came around and they had to go hang out in Sears to watch the Fruit Bowl, or Cheerio Bowl, or whatever bowl the fat men in short pants played in. Someone could have gone Postal! That’s another thing. Postal workers are definitely gonna need a lot of counseling. I hear they are already cutting back on mail routes. No one writes letters anymore and packages are being replaced by gift cards. It could put a lot of people out of work. Not just mail carriers. What about the Unabomber, or those guys that send out pyramid scams? Someday soon, mail carrier may be one of those terms that no longer hold any meaning, like regular gas, or land line, or In God We Trust.

But with all of these career options out there you won’t have to worry anymore. And with easy access to the Internet, you can get your diploma without ever going to school. Just click and print. It’s that easy!  

The Bus Stops Here

Since I’m sick today and can’t keep my mind on the novel I’m trying to finish, I might as well share my scattered thoughts with all of you.

I was reading the news on yahoo and came across a few stories that seem to be related in a strange way.

In Virginia a six-year-old boy missed the school bus and was so desperate to get there and do some finger painting or finish his diversity training sessions, that he took the keys to his mother’s car while she was sleeping and drove himself six miles down the road before crashing the vehicle into a utility pole. But instead of giving up, he began to walk the remaining mile to school, until the police took him into custody. They probably should have thrown the book at him, but instead they are pressing charges against his innocent parents for “child endangerment.” How could they have endangered the little brat? They weren’t even out of bed when he left for school? Aren’t all six-year-olds big enough to dress themselves, feed themselves, and get themselves on the bus without someone prodding them every step of the way?

Across the miles in Rhode Island another grand theft auto was being perpetrated. Two teen boys desperate not to be late for school, stole a car, parked it in the school lot, and ran to class before the bell rang. Police caught up with the hardened criminals after an eye-witness pointed the way down the hall to Mr. Brewster’s Science lab where he was teaching the kids to make pipe bombs. (I just made up that last part, but it seemed to fit)

Lastly, in Montana, we have your average school bus driver, kind, honest, maybe a legal citizen, perhaps has never been convicted of a crime, hopefully isn’t mentally unstable. But who’s gonna check? That takes time, which the education system does not have. Anyway, I guess they didn’t check to see whether she had a drinking problem either. She decided to pull the bus up to the nearest liquor store and stock up before picking up her sweet little charges. When a concerned citizen called police, they stopped the bus to check it out. The kindly bus driver told the kids to hide her stash of bottles at the back of the bus so the cops wouldn’t see them. Apparently, some little snot-nosed tattle-tale was on the bus as well, cause she got in big trouble. The school board is going to look into it!

Now you might not see the connection to these three stories, but in my near-unconscious state I am as close to Zen, or Yani, or Budapest than I’ll probably ever be, so here goes:

The children in this country, obviously in every state, are terrified of their bus drivers. They will do anything to avoid riding on that big yellow death trap with a driver who you wouldn’t even trust to take your mother-in-law to a Nursing Home. Can you blame them? I’ve seen the way some of them drive. Come rain, snow, sleet, hell, or high water, they will get those kids to school and off the bus so they can park at McDonalds and chat it up with the gang until the next Indie 500 route.

I know there are some sweet, old, retired folks driving buses part-time to help pay for the necessities of life that their social security doesn’t cover. But there are also those fringe element types who could definitely become volatile and dangerous individuals given the circumstances: “ex-pastors,” divorced moms, people laid off from Ford, college graduates who don’t know what they want to do with their lives, etc, etc.

So when you see another bus careening around the corner, children’s faces pressed desperately against the glass in an attempt to signal for help, remember that you may lose an hour of sleep, but you will gain love and a lifetime of thankfulness from your children if you get your lazy butt out of bed and take them to school. Or at least-- throw’em the keys.

Green Tastes Like Sunshine

The Greenness of our planet is an ever-mutating controversy. Recycling used to entail putting all your newspapers in a sack and leaving it at the curb. Now we aren’t supposed to use plastic or paper sacks. And newspapers, as I’ve noted in an earlier post, are becoming obsolete.

Every store has recyclable bags for sale (made from hair of the extinct mooamba beast) that will probably hold four or five items if they aren’t too large. But using them will entail driving back and forth to the store every day for just a few things, wasting gas and polluting the environment even more. (Which could in fact bring about a recurrence of the Rhino Virus). All because paper bags are not green enough? I’m slightly confused. (Not an uncommon state for me to be in.)

Bicycles and motorcycles were very popular this past summer as gas prices soared, but you don’t see anyone riding “naked” now that the temps have gone sub-zero. Although, the type of green they were trying to save was not trees but the currency we call money. Which is a controversy all in itself. Is money really worth saving or should we just revert to bartering? After all, Americans have stopped tossing Canadian coins away in fountains or putting them on railroad tracks like plug nickels, and have started hoarding them in case they have to jump the border to find a job.

“Green” was on Lake Superior University’s list of words to be banned this year from the English Dictionary. They say it has been overused and people are sick of hearing it. I tend to agree with that assumption, but it is one of the primary colors and will be hard to replace. Purple is just too gay, brown is too drab, and gray is much too wishy-washy. Perhaps a new spelling would be better. The color green can stay the same and the banned, hated, politically-charged green can change to Greene. Those silent E’s are sneaky and always seem to have a secret agenda.

We now have greene cars, greene clothes, greene grocery bags, greene light bulbs, greene children (totally indoctrinated into the greene cult), and now to top it off we have a greene Bible. Yes, God must have truly ordained this version. It teaches saving the planet along with souls. Maybe we should all throw out the 14 other versions we own and buy this new greene version. Do they really think people who don't already own a bible and probably never read one in their lifetime, would suddenly feel the need for one if they made it environmentally pleasing? This is a product of ignorant advertisement execs with nothing to do.

Recently, thousands of shoes were dumped on a Miami expressway, recliners and other perks were found in a Texas prison, and in London relatives of a deceased surgeon found an old 1937 Bugatti Automobile that is supposed to be worth over four million dollars stashed away in his junk-packed garage.  This is a colorful world of surprises. Why would we want to tone it all down to one color? In the perfect world of the environmentalist, there wouldn’t be shoes to dump, inmates wouldn’t be able to get their hands on recliners to relax in, and junk-filled garages would definitely no longer exist. What a sad world that would be.

Remember the television ads back in the seventies with the intelligent little owl saying, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute.” I totally agreed with that bird. I miss those days.