Life, Liberty, and free TV!

Thank goodness the government stepped in to help during America’s most recent national disaster. If it wasn’t for taxpayer subsidized converter box coupons included in the bailout plan, millions more innocent citizens could be sitting around their homes today without the ability to watch early morning cartoons or Matt Lauer.

The president knows what can happen when jobless people suddenly have no access to a daily dose of brain-numbing talk show programming. What would they do instead of binging in front of the television? Rob the nearest convenience store? Beat their kids? Steal a car? He was totally thinking of others—not the Nielson Ratings plummeting to the ground during his daily speeches—when he insisted everyone in America must have television access. Not that the media would take notice or make mention of a nose-dive in viewership.

Supposedly there are still over two million people out in the cold, without a converter box, cable, or a helping hand. Two million people unable to get their ancient televisions to work and wondering why. Two million people who either don’t want to watch digital TV and refuse to upgrade, or after hearing the commercial 50,000 times in the past year decided to wait and see if Obama really cared enough to come to their homes personally and take care of it for them. I’m betting that’s not going to happen, but he is bending over backward to make sure “no deadbeats get left behind” in television watching. I’m pretty sure this program will be much more successful than the Bush “no child left behind” education plan. Democrats are one hundred percent behind this one.

I’m not sure when television became one of the necessities of life along with air, food, and water. Sometime after President Kennedy got shot I think, when radio commentary no longer cut it. When “don’t believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see,” became the norm. Of course, with the creative computer people out there now, you can’t believe your eyes either. So, when government says television access is a necessity, you’ve got to wonder what they’re really up to.

A Discriminating Age

Maybe I’m just getting old and don’t remember the insecurities of youth as clearly as I once did: lack of confidence, lack of motivation, lack of money…but I do know I had them. Young people these days don’t seem to suffer from the same maladies as generations past.

For one thing they are very confident—about everything. Whenever you try to explain something to them they say, “I know” before you ever finish a sentence. They have dreams of celebrity, wealth, and power without any backup plan, talent, or education. They never worry about paying bills, but always have money for eating out, shopping, or going to the movies.

Maybe this is why America’s corporations are hiring younger people for top positions more than ever before. Even President Obama has twenty-somethings working all around him in the White House as though he’s allergic to wrinkles and gray hair as well as experience.

At the Target Corporation young people are pushing their way up the ladder, shoving anyone over thirty-five to the ground. You can see what this trend has done for customer satisfaction at the actual “hard” stores. I for one, “can’t get no satisfaction.”

Kids think in terms of temporary, freaking people out with shocking pink hair, and listening to music that sounds like a jackhammer mating with a dying cat. So in Target stores we are met with clothes made from recycled plastic bags that shrink to the size of a Barbie bikini after one washing. The colors are magically delicious and bright enough to put your eye out. I only mention shoes because they remind me of the seventies and some singing group called, KISS. The kids that ordered them probably didn’t have a clue that everything they bought and thought was original is just recycled fashion rejected years ago. Bringing it back does not make me happy. It’s not retro or cute. Some things are better not relived. Bad perms, bell bottoms, one size fits all tube tops, and double knit polyester mini skirts are historical failures like the Titanic that should never be re-invented or dredged up.

My biggest complaint with Target and their adolescent management is that recently they moved every last item in the store to a different location. I now feel I need my GPS to locate a roll of toilet paper. After fifteen years of finding Q-tips on the end cap of isle 6, some moron decided Q-tips were better served on isle eight, between hair color and travel notions. Shopping is now like playing hide-and-seek on a thirty-acre farm. To navigate the store you must think like a twenty-something adolescent. Where would your daughter place Midol if she worked at Target? In the Ice cream isle of course! Along with chocolate, potato chips, and tampons.

I’m sure they shook things up for a reason. I just happen to know the reason was stupid and probably had something to do with a computer program written by a seventeen-year-old who doesn’t shop for Q-tips or ever bother to clean the wax from his ears.

If looking hot, acting cool, and having the right circle of cell phone friends is all you need to succeed in life then this generation should do well. But just in case there is something more to this being in charge of the world thing—you twenty-somethings should probably let a few older folks help out. At least until you get that Euthanasia law passed.

Listen Up!

Don’t you hate it when someone in a professional capacity offers you advice but apparently doesn’t take it himself?

I went to the dentist a while back and this young chick, (we shall call her the doctor, although she appeared to be a sprouting teen with acne and bad teeth), told me for a mere few thousand dollars I could get that tooth straightened that’s begun to push inwardly with age. From what I could see of her set of choppers, she needed a whole head straightening. If there was a tooth turned in the right direction, it must have been hidden behind another, but no braces graced those brown-spotted chewing machines.

I also enjoy hearing from the chiropractor or my Ob Gyn that I should exercise daily, eat healthy, and lose those few pounds that have been hanging around my middle, haunting me like a ghost that hasn’t seen the light. (Believe me, those pounds will never see the light if I have anything to say about it). Now this advice would be taken to heart and probably give me a lot more guilt if the doctor wasn’t eating a Twinkie and drinking a Coke while he hiked up his pants over a 24-pack belly before sitting on his little doctor stool.

Then there are the policemen. They tell us not to talk on the phone while we're driving because distracted driving leads to accidents and more deaths and injuries on our roads. Well, guess what? Every time I see a patrolman he's talking on his cell phone. Not on the radio where he gets his 911 calls or whatever, but a little phone pressed up to his ear. Okay, maybe driving around the same streets all day is a boring job, especially if nobody robs a liquor store or car jacks a minivan, but that doesn't make it okay to talk on the phone while you're driving, Mr. Policeman. What kind of example are you setting for young mothers with four toddlers strapped into the backseat? You know what happens when a mom gets on the phone!

This world is full of people with great advice who rarely put it into personal action.

Politicians are always telling us what’s good for us. They’re great with advice. They say paying taxes is patriotic and every good American citizen should feel joyous about giving to support those who won’t support themselves, but…the White House’s team of thinkers and movers are exempt from such patriotism. I guess finding places to dole out the money we donate to the cause is patriotic enough for them.

Not only do we get professionals and politicians telling us to do this or that, but we also get non-stop advice on a daily basis from the black box in our living rooms.

You know the commercial with the chubby, little, mustachioed guy who tells you to come buy his second-hand exercise equipment and get in shape for the New Year? That guy has been fat forever and a day. With all that equipment sitting around his shops you’d think he could either put it to use or hire someone else to do those thirty-second advertisements—someone who actually looks like they workout on a regular basis.

And what about the McDonalds commercials? Sure, everyone craves a burger and fries once in a while, but if you eat it all the time you will be obese. There is no getting around that fact. Believe me, I’ve tried. French fries are probably one of the greatest inventions of all time, and yet they are also pure lard. Do the names Bushel butt, Crisco thighs, or Muffin top hit you close to home? That’s what “having it your way,” “I’m lovin it,” and “Waaay better than fast food,” can do for you. And my point of course—since you know I always have a point—is that there are no fat people in any of those commercials. Are they eating plastic, pretend food or do they go directly to the bathroom and throw up? Which leads me to believe that they really don’t eat fast food in real life—duh, da dut da da…they’re not really lovin it.

So when I tell my kids what’s good for them, but do the exact opposite, I can be sure they’ll turn their receiver on mute and won’t hear a word I say. And I can’t blame them. Nobody likes to hear advice from someone who fails to put it into practice in his or her own life.