Black monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday...

If you’re one of those people who just can’t wait for Black Friday—the trampling masses, over-eager salespeople, cheerfully grating music at five in the morning, and huge deals you could probably get online for less—your wait is nearly over.

But for those who want a good deal, hate crowds, crying children, traffic, and being trampled to death at Walmart, you now have options. Many Internet stores are already sending out ads for early Black Friday shopping, online. Each day you have the chance to pick up something for less without ever leaving the comfort of your easy chair. That’s my kind of shopping. No matter what day it is.

Sadly, I already missed the biggest sale of all. Michael Jackson’s white glove went on auction and sold for a mere $350,000. I know winter is setting in and warm clothing is definitely on my list, but why would anyone want just one glove? Besides, sequins are a bit flashy for scooping snow in the suburbs.

For you collectors of rare books, a first edition copy of Charles Darwin’s “The Origin of Species,” was found, appropriately enough, on someone’s toilet room shelf in Oxford. Good reading for the constipated soul. It will be going on auction soon. So keep it in mind if you need a good read during those private moments.

BluRay DVD’s are a big sale item these days. I’m still not sure what difference it makes, besides the price, whether you watch a movie on DVD or Blu-ray. Real life is much grainier than the picture of either one. I’d still be watching VHS if I didn’t have to “be kind & rewind.” The clarity of tape is much more realistic for my eyesight. Who wants to see every blemish and line in an actor’s face? Not me. I prefer the unrealistic perfection of photo-shopped body parts. If only they’d been able to do that back in Clark Gable’s day.

Book readers are also hot this holiday season. Or so I’ve heard. I’m still stuck in the dark ages of reading actual hardcopy books with paper pages that you have to turn manually. Amazon’s Kindle looks pretty good, but now Barnes & Noble has the Nook. For gadget connoisseurs it must be a tough decision. I like the fact that you can download thousands of books to this device. A whole library weighing less than twelve ounces. But even at $9.99 a book, that would be a very expensive library to lose all in one shot. You might not want to purchase this item for that special someone who has a bad track record of misplacing things.

For the down-to-earth Christmas shopper, Target.com always has underwear and socks on sale. Stock up now before the big rush.

Dreamwalking

“Sleep deprivation can cause an overall immediate loss of information-integration thought processes.” That is the findings of yet another study, probably funded by the government (that would be you and me) with an exorbitant amount of money, and published in Sleep magazine.

Sleep magazine sounds like one of those snoozer publications someone might read if they had insomnia and nothing else would work. But then that is the way with most magazines these days–more ads than articles, and the accuracy of what’s written depends on your own interpretation rather than fact. Sort of like my blog–minus the ads.

“Wow,” you might say. “Those sleep scientists are smart. Not as smart as the Sleep Number bed people–but pretty smart!” Another scientific study that proves the detrimental repercussions of not getting enough sleep, is just what this world needs to change their ways and get eight hours of restful Z’s each and every night.

But the most sleep-deprived individuals of all–mothers of newborns and small children–were not used in this study. No. They used young, strong, military cadets who would probably stay up all night playing ping-pong if someone didn’t tell them to go to bed.

If they wanted truly accurate findings, they should have asked mothers.

Mothers know first-hand about sleep deprivation. They deal with it sometimes for days, weeks, or months on end. They know it’s something you can’t fight. You just go with it. You may lose a bit of your ability to make gut-feeling, snap decisions, but you are still in control. When the baby cries, you stumble out of bed, whap into walls, stub your toe on the rocking chair, and crumple into a weeping ball of misery in the hallway, but you pull yourself together, open that nursery door and get to work. After a couple weeks of sleep deprivation, a new mother is able to nurse her infant, change the baby’s diaper, and rock it back to sleep without ever truly waking up or opening her eyes.

Sleep-deprivation is not for wimps. That’s why it’s often called torture. New mothers endure it all the time without receiving a ribbon, Medal of Honor, or time off to recuperate. Their reward is in a gas-induced smile, a satisfied burp, or the feel of tiny fingers wrapped around their own.

Talking Turkey

This is the month we celebrate Thanksgiving. Every child in America has heard about Pilgrims and Indians coming together over a meal of turkey and corn. I’m not sure if dressing, sweet potatoes, and green bean casseroles were readily available back then but the pictures in schoolbooks always portray quite a spread.

History has probably been rewritten since I was in grade school. They tend to rewrite lots of things these days. I’ve heard Columbus no longer discovered America but “historians” are willing to concede and let him be gay) They may even teach children it wasn’t pilgrims from Europe at all who cooked the first Thanksgiving, but Chinese immigrants who ate dinner with “Native Americans.” We were taught everyone said “how” in greeting, red and white children frolicked in fields together, and Indian men showed white man how to grow corn. Today’s history may have the evil white pilgrims stealing corn seed from the Indians, shooting all the turkeys in the land until they are extinct, and leaving them with N1H1 as a parting gift.

But anyway- no matter what the “accurate” history of that time is for this generation, it’s still about thankfulness. I think. So, I decided to list a few things that we as Americans have to be thankful for. Besides the obvious ones—because you can think of those by yourselves.

The first thing I thought of to be thankful for was that President Obama didn’t curtsy to the Japanese emperor. The silly photographs shown round the world, of him bowing down in a servile manner, pales in comparison to what could have been.

We can also be thankful the government hasn’t yet decided to do a takeover of cable televison. Twenty-four hour a day broadcasting of government sponsored programs such as: “How to be greener than Al” with game show host Al Gore (win a free set of dim bulbs with every erased carbon footprint), “When republicans go bad.” An in depth look at the evil of conservative ideology taken straight from Michael Moore’s mouth. (and believe me it’s hard to get anything out of his mouth). Or, “The Best of Dear Leader” Non-stop teleprompter rerun speeches for those tired of change.

I’m personally thankful for telephone surveys because they make me feel that at least someone wants to know my opinion. And it justifies the cost of why we still have a home phone that no one calls on.

I’m thankful for children who always say, I don’t know, to every question. It makes me feel very smart.

I’m thankful for post-it pads because without them my memory would be nil and void.

And I’m thankful for freezer space, cause with the sale price of turkeys this week being 37¢ lb, I ended up with four of them birds.

Any Indians out there want to come to dinner?

Best Housekeeping

I’m thinking of working on self-improvement this week. Things just seem to be taking longer to accomplish lately. I don’t know if I’ve gotten lazy doing the same things over and over for the last twenty-odd years or it’s a matter of boredom. Sometimes you have to set a fire underneath your backside to get the urge to move forward.

November was Write a Novel in a Month, month. I never did get started on that because I was still finishing the last novel I started waaay baaack when. But I did finally finish it and I think it’s my best work so far. Not time wise, by any means, but I’m working on that.

You’ve probably heard people use the phrase, “personal best.” I always wondered why they cared. Your personal best? Yippee! No competition there. I can do that. Nobody running against me, nobody raising their child to be a cardiologist while I’m still working on getting my son potty-trained. Nobody bragging about canning 400 jars of apple sauce in their free time while juggling a law career and raising twelve foster children—while I struggle to get out of bed in time to catch Regis and Kelly after preparing a thermos of cold cereal for my child to eat on the bus.

Once upon a time, it mattered what others did because it made me work harder to achieve my goals—or the goals of my friends anyway. I didn’t want them to think I couldn’t run three miles if they could, or lose three dress sizes in a month if they did. I certainly didn’t want them to think my children were as dumb as rocks if theirs could speak Chinese and put their own clothes on.

Maybe I quit worrying so much about what everyone else did and lost that competitive edge. Now when someone says, “I lost ten pounds,” I say, “That’s great!” and go eat a donut. If they say, “My son is majoring in Computer Science, I say, “So’s mine.” Computer Science-Fiction.

So I guess what I’m saying is—I’ve lost that need to succeed, that drive to compete, the pride I felt in a freshly scrubbed toilet, and a reason to get out of bed each day. But I think I’ve found a way to get it all back.

I’m reworking the whole “personal best” thing. Now when I scrub the toilet I’m going to set the timer and crank it up a notch. If I clean the bathroom in five minutes one week, the next week I’m gonna have that long-handled brush moving so fast it’ll be a blur. Personal best takes on a whole new meaning when there’s a stopwatch around.

Personal Ponderings

I’ve been pondering some of life’s important questions as of late. Questions that affect us all. I’m sure you’ve wondered some of the same things and perhaps have already gone to google and found the answers in Wikipedia. But for those who don’t know how to find Wikipedia, let me share my thoughts on these matters.

Why do they refer to our country’s exorbitant amount of government programs as, “a nanny state?” First of all, I read a number of gothic romance novels in my younger days. They always involved rich children with nannies, and believe me these caregivers were not the type to let children have whatever they wanted. They were there to teach them to care for themselves because the kids were basically background noise. Now if pundits want to call our system of welfare something applicable, they would do well to go with, “grandparent state.” As everyone has seen or heard, grandparents are known to spoil children and once they’re good and rotten, run home and let the real parents pay the price. Sound familiar?

Why do some people think pigs are smarter than dogs? Okay, I heard this again on, “Bones,” the other night and had to question it. How do they know pigs are smarter than dogs? Were they asked to take an I.Q. test? What exactly do they do that’s smarter? Lets see... Pigs wallow in mud and filth (Dogs can do that). Pigs eat pretty much anything they can put in their mouths (Dogs do that too). Can they roll over on command or fetch a stick? I don’t think so. They do manage to do one thing dogs don’t do–(at least in this country)–they get eaten. Maybe dumb and cute is really the new smart.

Why do liberals (media/art world) cow-tow to Islam by avoiding the printing of books, cartoons, or making movies that have any negative connotations about said religion because they’re afraid of retaliation but at the same time spout freedom of speech like it's a magic get-out-jail free card in all other situations? The movie director of the new end-of-times movie, 2012, actually said he wouldn’t film any “pretend” blowing up of Muslim holy places because he was afraid of what would happen, but he was fine with blowing up “Christian” structures, such as the Vatican or the statue of Christ in Rio De Janeiro. Yet when a Muslim is accused of doing something horrific (such as the terrorist attack on Fort Hood) they quickly make up excuses other than religion for why they would do such a thing. Maybe he had a brain aneurism or he just flipped out because McDonalds gave him the wrong breakfast sandwich. Or my personal favorite– he did it because someone pulled the bumper sticker off his car. It certainly couldn’t be because he believes the teachings of Islam and they’re not as “peace-loving” as we’ve been led to believe.

When the media/art world glorifies an author (Brown) who literally calls Christ a liar, an adulterer, and a con-man, and then is afraid to print a single cartoon depicting an image of Muhammad, you’ve got to wonder who they’re really afraid of. The Christian right-winger who is pro-life, or the Muslim terrorist allowed to enter our country on a school visa? Let me think...

Why do cell phones cost four hundred percent more to own and operate than a landline? This is the “four hundred dollar question.” We used to be just fine with a phone on the wall in our home. We answered it if we were there, and if not, the answering machine took a message. It was simpler times. Now everyone has a phone on their person. EVERYWHERE THEY GO. You can never really get away. People talk on their phones in public restrooms, while driving a school bus loaded with children, in the check-out line at the store, in theatres during the movie, in quiet restaurants that once had ambiance. They talk loud and long, laugh and cackle, tell stories of how their dog threw up on the sofa, or their kids were lost at the MOA for fourteen hours while they wandered around talking on their cell. Everyone around them gets to be in on the fun, eavesdropping against their will.

The monetary price we pay for cell phones is definitely inflated, but we also pay an exorbitant amount in lost time while texting and trying to read misspelled words, rudeness from those around us on the phone, in the number of accidents because of driving, walking, or boating while distracted, and in our children growing up unable to communicate without a cell to their head.

As for the actual dollars spent for texting, email, GPS, games, music, Internet and talking...There’s an app for that! Appsolutely an expense we can do without. (Aren’t you glad I just helped you slash your household budget?)

Why do they always depict the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden as an apple? Okay, I’m not that hip on apples. I know they’re good for me and all that, but really–would I be tempted by an apple? I’m thinking maybe it was either covered in chocolate or caramel. Of course, the Bible doesn’t clarify that point, so we can’t know till heaven. But let know what you think.

Ps. I hope I’m not in big trouble for mixing pork and Islam on the same page.