The "ick!" Factor

Barney Frank makes me go “ick” without ever opening his mouth, but when he speaks his gross-out factor skyrockets. Why—with all the money he’s stolen from the American public while perverting the Senate—does he not buy himself a nice set of wooden teeth?

Women who wear shirts way too tight in the middle make me go “ick!” Accentuating your multiple rolls of belly, side, and back fat is not pleasing to the eye. My own mirror tells me this every morning. I know everything in the store is made of spandex these days, but really ladies, get a size larger or wear some Spanx. You’re damaging the eyes of beholders and that is worse than being a fashion holdout.

Furry footed burrowers—or as I call them: men that wear flip flops—make me go “ick!” Okay, I know it’s a free country with equal opportunity and all, but men should Just Say No to flip flops. Real men don’t wear flip flops. They wear combat boots or running shoes, or hikers, or dress shoes. Anything but flip flops! Except maybe spiky heels.

Delta airline’s version of Pot Roast makes me go “ick!” I had Delta’s lovely pot roast on my way to Hawaii and believe me it would be worth your time to pack a PB&J in your carryon. Sealed into a microwavable plastic four-inch square, was an indescribable assault on the senses. To say it was slightly chunky, smooshy, gooey, and offensively smelly, is putting it lightly. I know that is a lot of adjectives and ly’s, when I should just say—“icky!”

People that discard their dog’s poop bags along the sidewalk make me go “ick!” Why in all that is holy would anyone bother to bag it up if they weren’t going to put it in the garbage? Heaven’s rain can’t even wash away their crime, for it’s sealed in plastic until some poor soul runs over it with their bicycle or steps on it with a bare foot. That “ick!” goes double for people that change their child’s diaper in a Walmart parking lot, toss the filthy thing on the ground, and drive away. There should be a special fine for these people. Diaper toss and run--$200. Doggy Doo abandonment--$150. Maybe then they’d find the nearest receptacle and do the right thing.

Those are just a few of the things that make me go “ick!” Feel free to leave a comment and share your own “ick” moments.

Domestic Disturbance

A story in the News of the Weird caught my eye yesterday and I wanted to share it with those of you who may have missed it. A twenty-six year old “boy/man” in Pennsylvania called the police and reported his mommy for cleaning his bathroom with his toothbrush.
There are so many things wrong with this scenario. Nothing you can get arrested for—but definitely wrong. Here is my take on what actually happened. I had to read between the lines cause the article was just so short of details.

The 26 yr old male victim was living with his mother, in her house, because his plan to find something he really loved doing, that would make him happy for the rest of his life, like Air Guitar Master or Wisconsin Cheese Tester, hadn’t panned out, and he was taking some time off from looking for a regular job because he was stressed about his broken dreams.
He lived in his mommy’s house but thought maid service was supposed to be included in the free room and board package deal. When that didn’t happen, he searched for a Self Cleaning bathroom button, but was unable to locate one.
After months of living with the smell of an outhouse inside her home, the woman finally caved in and cleaned the bathroom for her lazy butt son. Because he was costing her so much in groceries and electricity, she couldn’t afford new sponges and used what lay within reach.
The victim called 911 to report his mother for maliciously cleaning his bathroom with the toothbrush she’d supplied him with when he moved in. He was certain she was trying to kill him with feces from the now sparkling clean toilet bowl. (He lived daily in his own filth but was worried about germs??)
Two police officers were dispatched to the domestic disturbance, tasers at the ready. They entered the bathroom to inspect the alleged intended to commit murder weapon. A worn and frazzled toothbrush hung from the holder, reflected in the now spotless mirror.
The victim pointed, his eyes wild with fear. “See! See! She got poo poo on my toothbrush! She’s trying to kill me.”
One officer held a video camera, recording everything for the next episode of COPS.
The mother chimed in. “There’s no poo on that brush. I cleaned it with Ajax with bleach. Besides, if I was trying to kill you, you’d already be dead.”
“Ma’am, just the facts. Did you or didn’t you try to kill your son?” the officer asked.
“I did not. The only thing I killed was the deadly bacteria growing in here.”
“She still ruined my toothbrush. What am I going to do about that?” the victim whined.
“Maybe you should just go out and buy yourself another toothbrush at the dollar store, you cheap, lazy butt kid!” the officer bit out, his taser button finger itching to press down.
The officers finally packed up their camera and tasers and headed out.
The mother picked up the toothbrush, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and handed it to her son. “There. Now it’s clean.”
“I can’t live like this anymore. I’m moving to Dad’s house!” he yelled and stalked off his room.
His mother smiled and walked upstairs to celebrate with the chocolate Dove bar she’d hidden in the Bran Flakes box.

News of the weird or news of the average family in America? You decide.

Seasoned With SALT

This week’s new spy film has slammed The Cold War down on a Bunsen burner.

Evelyn Salt—the character played by Angelina Jolie in the new movie, Salt—is my kind of woman. I think I’m in love. Not in that way! In the—“if I was a super spy and fifteen years younger, and could do one arm pull-ups, and wasn’t afraid of heights or jumping off moving Semi’s”—I would totally be her.

Jolie has proven once again that she is an awesome action star. Yes. I know movie stars have stunt doubles, but without that evil gleam in her eye, the action just wouldn’t be as exciting.

Tom Cruise is a pretty good action star, but he doesn’t have the gleam. He has a cute smile, but it doesn’t leave you wondering if he is a double agent. It doesn’t make you wonder if he really enjoys killing. You never doubt where his loyalties lie. (And I’m not talking about the weird cult of Scientology) His characters are always portrayed as true blue.

Jolie, on the other hand, gives off a twisted perception. You think she’s good at being bad, but is she just bad, pretending to be good? You are never quite sure.

Women the world over are supposed to hate her because she’s beautiful, (like the woman in the old Loreal commercial), or because she “stole” Brad Pitt, or because she is an expert knife-thrower. But I can’t seem to call up any such feelings about the woman. Partly because I’m pretty sure you can’t steal someone who isn’t willing and able, and partly because knife-throwing is such an enviable talent. Who knows when you’ll need to be able to hit a spider on the wall from thirty feet away?

Angelina is definitely beautiful, but I’m okay with that. If I were going to live in a fantasy world where I am a super spy, I’d certainly want to look like her and not Meryl Streep. Meryl is so “average” looking. Like most of us. Who fantasizes that they’re average? Besides, I just can’t see Meryl running through the streets at full-speed, jumping off an overpass onto a semi trailer going fifty miles an hour, or doing hand-to-hand combat with burly secret service agents.



Salt is Rambo without the grunts. She uses real words when necessary, in English and Russian.
Salt is Jason Bourne without memory loss. She remembers everything and uses it to her advantage.
Salt is John McClane without a wise-ass sense of humor. She kills bad guys faster because she doesn’t waste time cracking jokes.
Salt is Jack Bauer without a go bag. She uses whatever is within reach—chair legs, spider venom, handcuffs, her hard head, or a broken bottle.
If you haven’t seen Salt and you need an adrenaline rush this week, be sure and check it out. Better splurge on popcorn though, or you’ll be chewing your fingernails off like I did.

Groomzilla!

Tis the season of weddings. Love hangs hot and heavy in the humid air of summer like a canopy of hugs and kisses. Brides and grooms everywhere light unity candles, stomp glassware, or bungee jump together to prove their love to those watching.

Most of us have acted stupid for love at one time or another. You may have married the person you were a fool for—or you may have eventually realized it was just a touch of insanity and inserted your finger in a light socket for self-medication shock therapy.

But there is one story of love in the news that defies all reason. Sort of like calling the movie, Dumb & Dumber, a classic. Actually, that movie title completely encapsulates the news story I’m referring to. Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has once again become engaged to Levi Johnston, the father of her baby.

Levi has said so many hurtful and hateful things about Bristol’s mother and family, and done so many stupid things to get the attention of the Palin-hating media that I assumed he had been scratched off the Palin’s Christmas list with permanent marker. After all, the Bible says, “Love is Patient, Love is kind.” It doesn’t say love has Alzheimers! But all it took were a few text messages from her baby daddy and Bristol was sucked into an alternate reality where love conquers all and memories are blessedly erased with a heavy magnet to the head.

US magazine infers that Bristol and Levi gave them the exclusive story of their secret engagement even before informing their families. Bristol is quoted as saying she is intimidated by what her mother’s reaction will be. “Hopefully she will jump on board,” she said.

REALLY? Jump on board a bullet train to the far side of the moon? Sounds fun. I’m sure once you and Levi get that reality show contract signed and start filming, your mom and dad will realize how foolish they’ve been and jump on board. Perhaps even do some guest appearances and bring a little drama to the show. Like a Caribou hunter’s rifle!

So, if you think your daughter is marrying the wrong person, ruining her life, or causing you unnecessary misery with her choice of a mate—think again. It could be worse. Much worse. It could be Groomzilla!

Awesome Spy Careers are Heating Up!

The Cold war has thawed just in time for summer news. Theatres aren’t the only ones hoping for blockbuster entertainment to keep folks in the seats and out of the great outdoors. Morning news, evening news and news at ten have been showing an increased lack of viewership since people realized they could get the news off the internet with their cell phone while laying on the beach or watching baseball at the park. I’m not saying Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric are personally involved in this sudden upswing in subterfuge but they might know somebody who knows somebody who knows Putin.

So now our country is dealing with spies in the suburbs. Yes. Russian spies placed here to raise their children, start businesses, and work at jobs like regular Americans. I’m not sure why. I doubt they found out anything worthwhile about our country other than we have a lot of pizza joints and most news revolves around the antics of Lindsay Lohan. Of course, after all the hope and change that’s been going on for the past two years, they were probably happy to get caught and sent back. If they’re going to live in a socialist country it might as well be the one they grew up in. Hopefully, the spies we placed in Russia found out more than the ones that were sent here from Russia, cause otherwise I’m thinking the spy job niche might become obsolete.

But with this news story running for the past few days, I bet Brown College is pumped and working overtime to get out an ad for a new degree. “A vibrant and exciting career in spy technique and lore. You too can help your country, (or someone else’s if you take this course twice and become a double spy), expand your horizons, infiltrate scary neighborhoods, become one with the ‘burbs you settle in, cut your own grass while watching your neighbors grill in the backyard, and have secret meetings with other operatives behind the grocery store or in the changing room at Sears. A hands-on course that lets you learn how to use the latest spy gadgets by eavesdropping on your family and friends, bugging your bosses telephone, and tailing your grandmother when she goes to doctor appointments.” The Bachelor of Spy degree will fit well with their other degree choices of: Bartending, Rock Band manager, and Video Game Connoisseur.

Settling in America to start a family, with the intention of spying for a foreign power, not only guarantees media celebrity when you’re finally caught, but is also a good way to make sure your children automatically become American citizens. Just like illegals that cross the border to give birth guarantees their babies a free certificate of authenticity. Seems like the word is out. If you break America’s laws you are awarded consolation prizes. I hear that if you break those kinds of laws in other countries you are thrown into prison—or shot. Obviously, our justice system has a few loopholes that need plugging. But first they have to take care of these pesky spies.

Eye want to look like Anime

For those of you who still haven’t heard the name, Lady Gaga, you might want to listen up. Not because she is anything new or different from the other raunchy, young women singers following the likes of Madonna or Brittany Spears who believe “a show” is more important than talent. I’m not saying they don’t have talent, but with all the nudity, bizarre behavior, and personality disorders, it’s hard to tell. I’m more concerned with the effect they have on young women.

We all know girls tend to impersonate, or at the very least try to dress like their “idols.” Like sheep, they follow the latest trends, even if it means wearing their underwear on the outside of their clothing, or not at all. I know experts have been saying for years that magazines cause girls to have eating disorders because the photos are all air-brushed and apparently teenagers are too naïve to realize no one can really look that perfect in person. But I don’t think it is magazines anymore. I think its music videos.

Lady Gaga recently had a video, which I’ve only seen a news clip of, where her eyes, and who knows what else, were enlarged and rounded to look like she was a doll or a Japanese Anime cartoon character. As we all know, eyes are not naturally round. Even teenagers should know that. But because she’s the hottest, whacked out celebrity right now, girls everywhere want to have eyes like the ones in the video. Now you may ask, WHY? But the question they ask is: Where can I get some?

Apparently, you can go online and purchase special round colored contacts to make your eyes appear that way. Are they doctor approved? Certainly not. But why would that stop kids? Can they damage their vision? Yep. Do teenagers think it will happen to them? Nope. Are there any parents left in the world who actually monitor their kids and know what they’re doing?!


Bette Davis had eyes that were quite large. I always thought she looked bug-eyed and scary. It may have been typecasting, but she played crazy really well. And since she was a famous movie star, someone wrote a song about her. “Bette Davis Eyes.” Pretty creative title, huh? There weren’t any special effects in the video, other than shadows and people dressed in silly masks, since music videos were just getting off the ground, but Kim Carnes did have a very scratchy voice. I wonder if any girls decided to damage their voice boxes so they too could sound like Rod Stewart on estrogen.

Lady Gaga is in the limelight right now with all of her antics, but someday she’ll no longer be the flavor of the month, and the bug-eyed look will be so over. I wonder if any of her clone followers will still have vision in their big round eyeballs by then.