Celebration With A Giant Vice

Most of you think of today as Martin Luther King Day, but for me it's Mammogram Day. Or if you want the literal title, Stick Your Boobs in a Giant Vice and Tighten Down Day. 

Either way, it was a relief when it was over and they released me from my bondage. I was able to pull my string-tied wraparound shirt shut and meander back to my curtain-covered dressing room, pull up the objects of my husband’s affection from the floor and plop them comfortably back into my sexy Victoria Secret underwire bra where they could rest in peace. That heavy-duty wire does all the work for you these days. It’s amazing.

When I was younger and didn’t need underwire to hold things up and in place, life was good and Victoria Secret didn’t exist, which made life even better. I was comfortable watching underwear commercials back then. Now I feel like I’ve fallen into a brothel whenever one comes on.

Anyway...The good news about mammograms is that their machines are now much more “comfortable” than they used to be. At least that’s what the technician informed me of before shoving me up against the thing, pulling my breast out to an abnormal length, cranking the vice down on it until it was flat and smooth as a Cracker Barrel pancake, and then tightening the screws a bit more just for safe keeping. Honestly, if I were young again, that whole procedure would not even be possible. But with fifty years of gravity on my side, it did seem more “comfortable” than in years past.

So happy Mammogram day or SYBGVTDD day! Go out and get yours too. It’s an experience not to be missed.